I am not expert or any way super knowledgeable when it comes to pregnancy, let alone babies. However, I did think it would be a great to document our pregnancy journey and show our baby what was happening during this time. I also thought it might be helpful to other couples who are going through some of the similar situations that I went through early on in my pregnancy. Cause to be honest, when anyone talks about pregnancies and babies, its always with a doubt filled with excitement, joy and all the butterflies in the world. However, there is a portion of population who have issues conceiving, who go through various miscarriages, who have to be bedridden for whatever medical reason and women who make the tough decision of having an abortion for personal reasons. And yet, no one seems to talk about this. It’s as if pregnancy has to be this whole delirious notion of happy go lucky, when in fact, it’s not always the case (same could be said about motherhood)! Putting down in words, the experience that we (my husband and I) went through has been somewhat difficult but more so cathartic. So without further adieu, here we go!
Hm, where do I begin? Well, I was 25 years old when it was confirmed to me that I was about 4 weeks pregnant. The way I actually found out I was expecting, was at a movie theater with my husband (we were waiting to watch COCO). All I could say was “Fuck” and that’s when I felt a rush of anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Granted we had played around with the idea of starting a family after Christmas (I want to party during the holiday season and lets be honest, who doesn’t ?). A few days after this, my OB confirmed my pregnancy. Instead of feeling that emotional high of “Yes! I’m going to be a mom!”, I got the “oh fuck, I’m going to be a MOM. I’m not ready for this”. There were a lot of factors that played into this feeling. First, I was so not financially ready for a child. I could barely take care of my needs, how was I going to provide for another human being? In my mind, I had until after christmas to get my financial life together. But as life would have it, that was not the case. In addition, I always had this notion in my mind, that one needs to be financially stable in order to become a parent. I foreone at the time (and still not there yet) was not. Cause let’s face it, living in the tri-state area where everything is ridiculously expensive (even with a “decent” salary) it is relatively hard to save and to provide for yourself (and please leave the whole millennial spiel in the trash. We as a generation are the most educated yet the most underpaid population. With high rental properties, medical insurance and student loans, it’s a surprise we’re still alive). Secondly, there was an abundance of personal issues going on in my life that needed my immediate attention. So to hear this news felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water.
In the first few weeks of pregnancy, I was adjusting to my new reality. I was going to be someone’s mom! Once I started to become accustomed the idea of me becoming a mother and getting excited about what was to come. The unthinkable happened. January 1st, 2018, I ended up in the ER with vaginal bleeding (I know TMI, but we’re all adults here haha). I was experiencing what is known in the medical world as a “Threatened Abortion”. Meaning my body was preparing for a possible miscarriage. This usually happens during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy and the exact cause of a threatened abortion are unknown. Some risks for a threatened abortion are: bacterial or viral infection, trauma to the abdomen, age, obesity, diabetes etc. I can honestly say this was the worst ER visit ever (and let me tell you, I’ve been to the ER for other people where it has been crazy). I remember just going through the motions of getting dressed, having my husband drive me to the hospital and doing all of the paperwork. After that, all I can remember is the anxiety and this feeling of emptiness surrounding me.
The doctor and nurse kept reassuring me that it was only a possibly that I could miscarry but not necessarily have it happen. However, this was not registering in my brain. All I heard was the sound of snoopy wah wah wah wah. In my mind, I could not shake out the idea of miscarrying. What also didn’t help was the fact that I could actually feel and see (which in hindsight, I really shouldn’t have looked) the blood expelling from my body. Throughout this whole ordeal, my husband was with me, attempting to reassure me that things would be fine (even though he himself was not too sure).
Soon after, I was taken in for some tests. I was paired with a wonderful nurse, who I thank God for being so compassionate and understanding. She and the male tech were in the room performing the necessary exams. At first, he could not find the “yolk” (I was only about 5 weeks preggo at the time) through a regular sonogram. This did not put me at ease at all. However, he did a vaginal one and that…well that was were I knew that I would not let anything happen to it. I heard its heart beat. My baby was still in there, fighting to stay with us. I was so relieved and felt a million times lighter. I couldn’t wait to get back to my husband and tell him the good news (he had to stay in the room while I was taken in for the tests). As soon as he heard that they were able to detect a heartbeat, you could see the stress, the anxiety and sadness leave his body. I was put on best rest for a few days and was told to limit my physical activity until my OB cleared me.
Fortunately for us, everything has been smooth sailing since then. She has been growing (yes she cause its a baby girl!) steadily and rapidly. I didn’t have any morning sickness, but I have thrown up (once while we were eating at Buffalo Wild Wings…. Curse you delicious fried pickles!) I have been able to maintain somewhat of my physical exercise routine. Although, it’s not the same as when I was not pregnant. Now that I am currently heading into my third trimester, I may (or may not) have my life together. And even though I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever, it has been quite the journey. She’s a miracle and all the stuff I was concerned with at the beginning stages of my pregnancy, have become secondary. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry about finances and being an adequate mother. I’m also concerned with breast feeding more so than I am with labor (shocking, I know!) But my point is, pregnancy is just a rollercoaster of emotions, body changes and adjusting your life from what it is now to what’s going to become. There are a bunch of highs and lows throughout these 9 months and the first 5- 6 have been an indicator of that. I’m excited to share this experience with you as well as anything else that comes our way in the last months of my pregnancy.
My sincere hope is that this post offers those who have gone through something similar to this, comfort and validation to their experience. There are many of us who don’t go through the traditional route of becoming pregnant, let alone parents. This journey can sometimes be a long and precarious one. So why not stick together and talk about it?